Both Sides Of The Fence

By: Shay of The Bag Lady Affairs

Playing around with natural hair styles.

My last relaxer was June of 2008. Initially my cause wasn't very righteous. I wasn't attempting to stand against a patriarchal society that defines beauty within the confines of Eurocentric values. I wasn't trying to develop my identity within the African Diaspora or get closer to my "roots". I was simply a broke college student who loved to look good but couldn't pay the cost to floss. A visit to my stylist for a relaxer usually ran me at least eighty dollars, sometimes upward of one hundred dollars. Even with all of my common sense and natural knack for research, I was somehow imprisoned by the idea that if I didn't give up the cash every couple of months, all my hair would fall right out. There is this element of silence that exists between a stylist & a client. Although we are the ones playing roulette with our crown & glory, sometimes we are meek when in the authority of our stylists.

Spring 2010. When I should have Big Chopped, but didn't. 

I recall getting my hair done for my eighth grade banquet ceremony. I sat with scolding relaxer in my hair and tears in my eyes while the chemical ate away at my scalp. I have no idea why I didn't just alert my stylist. He was supposed to be the professional and knew just how long the relaxer needed to be in to give me that good hair... Right? I accepted my awards that year with my hair literally plastered to the perimeter of my scalp due to the awful chemical burn. That unexplained silence carried over for many years. I didn't have the gumption to explain to my stylist that every time I visited her, I sacrificed eating for the week! So at twenty years old after having my hair relaxed since the third grade, I quit. I quit stylists & salons all together; A salon sabbatical of sorts. And since I was deathly afraid of the wretched "at home box perm" that was the end of that. I wasn't going natural.... I was just being cheap.

Summer 2010. After Keratin Treatment. 

Fast forward to my discovery of Chi products and an amazing flat iron (which later gave me the ultimate betrayal of heat damage) I was good. Still had my long straight mane and I could be down with the "Girl! Forget that creamy crack!" cause. Oh so fraudulent. As I began to use Black hair as a research topic for my undergraduate studies I realized some of the deeply embedded hatred that is associated with it. I was being "natural" without giving up my pretty card that allowed me to fit neatly into a box of society’s standards. There was no creamy crack cemented into my strands but I still wasn’t causing a ruckus with my publicly acceptable hair. Yea I'd rock a twist out here and there but when it came time for an interview or big event, straight to the flat iron I went. I even tried the keratin treatment as a "fix" for my transition hair when I finally saved up the money. In retrospect (I could have purchased some round trip tickets to Miami, tuh.) I cut my hair here & there to get more relaxed hair out. But why no big chop? Because I still wanted to have long, pretty, bouncy hair at my disposal.

Fall 2010. Half & half hair at its longest.

The only consolation I got for playing both sides of the fence is this bone straight, heat damaged, lifeless hair I have now. Don't get me wrong, it still passes for "pretty". But now knowing what I know about the science of hair, I killed my mane. The beautiful virgin hair I watched come in is no longer. So here I am back at square one. I'm getting myself mentally prepared for a big chop this time. It shouldn't be this stressful. I'll be the same exact person; my resume and skills won’t change and my personality won’t suddenly turn drab. I’ll be the same exact person… Just with a lot less hair. It may not be pretty to most but then again that's where I went wrong the first time; Trying to appear a certain way to certain people when its me alone that I must answer to. Enough of that... I've had enough of playing both sides of the fence.

Winter 2011. Big Chop a bit too late! Hair is already heat damaged & bone straight. Must start all over :(

Summer 2011. Hair straightened, about 2 inches of virgin hair at the root.